Relationship Magick is probably the most complex topic to deal with, as it is not just about love spells, but the complex blockages people tend to put in the way. There are so many reasons why one may not feel ready for a relationship, although he/she may crave one. I want to go over these blockages one by one, and offer solutions.
Although this can apply to many different needs, it always seems to come up when looking for a relationship. Basically, one has conflicting needs which seem to take them in opposite directions. An example with relationships, is that you may desire the company, intimacy and love, but fear losing personal space and independence. Such paradoxes are resolved when you realize that both parts of yourself actually want the same thing but have a different understanding of how it should be achieved. I will take you through an example as I describe this solution:
Put both your hands in front of you, palm up, and imagine two small versions of yourself standing upon them. On the left is the you that avoids a relationship, on your right hand is the you that wants a relationship. Speak to them both, and listen to them give their reasons. For example, the right hand you may speak of wanting companionship, intimacy, sex, love etc. The left hand you may speak of loss of personal space and time to follow other pursuits.
You then ask them to explain further why they desire these things. The right you may speak of inner harmony and growth. The left you may end up saying the same. So you see that whether you are in a relationship or not, you are seeking a particular kind of happiness. You then ask each side what they need to work with the other. Whatever they ask, you are going to give them in meditation. Then you get the two to talk together, to discuss how a relationship is going to work, giving you intimacy as well as maintaining your boundaries, while encouraging harmony and growth. You then put your hands together and see the two joining into one
This is a very simple example you may be able to work with. We will go into it more deeply in my upcoming course Relationships & Love Magick.
Fear of intimacy
There are two main reasons we avoid intimacy: Shame and weak boundaries. When you have inner shame, you don’t want people to see it, because you fear they won’t like you. So you allow yourself to get so close, then shut off before they see who you really are. I have already written a post on shame which you can use to free yourself from this – see Healing Shame – The Hidden Root of Auto-immune Disease.
On the other hand, if your boundaries are weak, you fear losing yourself in a relationship. What you fear is oblivion. This is greater than the fear of death, as when you die you still continue in some form, but when you lose your boundaries it’s as if you won’t exist. To overcome this, take time to re-define your boundaries. List all the things you enjoy, so that even if you don’t do them for a while, you still know what you like. The problem many people have when entering a relationship is that they spend so much time with the other person they no longer do the things they used to enjoy. It is important to maintain one’s boundaries when entering a relationship, or else you will start to sabotage the intimacy.
The relationship to one’s mother
Our relationship to our parents gives us our first expectations about some important parts of life. The bread-winner, usually the father, gives us our view of how easy or difficult it is to make money. The mother gives us our first sense of love. The level of love we experienced from our mothers sets our expectations about the love we will receive later. So if you didn’t get much love as a child, guess what? you don’t really expect love later. You may seek it, but your level of expectation has a greater influence on what you receive than desire alone.
If you don’t expect to be loved, you probably give too much and don’t get much back, and this will make your partner feel unworthy or rejected because they can’t give back to you, unless, of course, you get stuck with a taker who will totally drain your resources and then leave you and move on. To heal this, we need to encounter the mother in meditation, with the presence of certain archetypes: The Old Man and Old Woman Jungian archetypes, and the animus and anima. Here the mother can be forgiven and released and a deeper sense of love gained.
In all relationships, there is a touch of the primordial. We are attracted by the raw animal magnetism, as well as some genetic programming. If we lose power to others, our magnetism goes down, and the opposite sex is less attracted to us. You often see this in the good person who gives too much, gets drained, and then is abandoned by their partner. This most often happens within a relationship, as if one gives power away to the other, they become less attractive. The more their partner distances themselves, the more they try to please them to win back their love, thus giving away more power and making the problem worse. If you find this happening, stop and take back your power. This will straight away change the dynamic in the relationship.
See Take Back Your Power free ecourse.
Mating: The genetic imperative
The next important point I would like to make is different for men and women. When men fail to find a mate, it’s their approach that is weak (see Feeling Comfortable with your Sexuality below). When women have problems with relationships, it’s because their filters are weak. To explain; as I mentioned above, there is a strong primordial element in mating. Women are genetically programmed to seek the alpha male. Every species has a way of testing the males. For example, flies do something called bumping. The females bump into the males to see how strong and stable they are. Humans also have tests, but are more sophisticated.
When a woman meets a man, she puts him through two layers of testing. The first tests are known as tests of compliance. Alpha men are not compliant. When the women ask the men to do something, if he obeys he shows himself to be weak. This doesn’t mean the man has to be rude and ignore her requests. A strong man will play with her rather than simply obey.
The second kind of test is the test of congruence. She will make all kinds of digs at his confidence and his manhood, which will expose any weaknesses. For a man to succeed, he must not let any of this bother him. For a woman to find and keep a worthy mate, she should not feel guilty about this behaviour. It is not being cruel, it is natural. Otherwise she will get stuck with a weak male who doesn’t fulfil her.
Feeling comfortable with your sexuality
The last important issue I will cover is being comfortable with one’s sexuality. This is particularly relevant for men. Often a man will feel strong sexual urges when approaching a woman, but then shut them away and make polite small talk. As we have mirror neurons, the other person tends to reciprocate what we are feeling. If we shut our sexuality away, the other person feels this, and there is no chemistry between you. The reason women seem to blow hot and cold is because the man is doing it first. Successful seduction requires the right level of sexual tension in the atmosphere. This is all down to feeling comfortable with one’s sexuality. This goes back to healing shame.
Once these basics are taken care of, magick can do the rest. There are a few empowerments I will be giving on my course, which are also available on-line. There will be a Kamadev empowerment, which builds confidence and sexual magnetism, and can also be used to attract a specific person. There will also be an erotic Javanese magick empowerment which strengthens one’s sexual energy and magnetism. This empowerment will also flush out and clear all blockages to love and sexuality. Then there will be a Vodou ritual, invoking the deity Erzulie Freda for love.
Relationship Magick – Taking it further
Check out my new course Relationships & Love Magick on 19-20 November in Devon, UK.
The Tantric path can be a powerful exploration, also helpful in healing relationships. My Tantra offerings include:
Sexual Healing Workshop in The Netherlands in January
Tantric Empowerments which can be given remotely, see Aghora Empowerments
My articles on Tantric Healing.